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Pro-crastination.

1. I am disproportionately vain about my hair. Its no great shakes, but its mine.

2. Beneath is all the fiends’.

3. Quick talker.

4. If I don’t feel guilt, I miss guilt.

5. Particular about length and involvement of cuddling.

6. constant attempt to balance: the mathematics of time; of hours left; words typed; tea drunk; sometimes calories, more prosaically, food items. Numbers come hard, and the maths of these is always wrong. The worst is ‘things one can do in a day’.

7. Snobbish when miserable: c.f., my old job. A good job, a great job, a job I am not equipped for. 

8. Dislike of films is the same as fear of relationships: one invests, one is usually heart-rent or scared, spends the next few days wandering around un-numbing, the same unpleasant feeling as blood into dead legs. And other people find that entertaining.

9. You’ve no idea what I think. I’ve no idea what I think. Previous interactions trained me out of articulated opinions. I am training myself back in, slowly. Opinions still surprise me.

10. I like to touch things to my face, my tongue and mouth and nose, to understand them.

11. Our flat kitchen warms in the sun, emits a slow smell of decay and greasy oven. I adore it. Makes me feel safe, loved.

12. Fond of lying on carpets, face down, breathing in the horizontal. 

 

13. Tea too hot, tea pushed to back of desk, tea found, and drunk cold. Hence no milk.

14. I worry about then men who stagger back under my window late at night. ‘Take care’, I think, ‘they drive like lunatics round that bend at night’. Impotent Madonna of the Inebriate Male.

15.  Scented candles make me think better, then reach too powerful a dispersal-level in the air and promptly give me a headache.

16.Often cheerful when resentful.

17. The thought – not the reality – of new cafes is always complicated, and reminds me of Magical Realism. You may expect something, but what will actually be there?

18. As tall as I can be, as tall as I’d want to be. Whatever happens up there, count me low, grounded, content.

19. Intense joy like flying: often, unpredictable, prompted throughout spring by daffodils.

20. Happiest amongst hills and fast-flowing water, happiest in conversation.

 

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