Upkeep is a curious thing. Does one manicure, perm, pedicure, have permanent eyelash extensions? (At a mere £45 pounds for a pair of eyes, Argos Panotpes could go about looking far more seductive than he ever did).

I don’t know. If I could, I would be permanently barefoot and dressed in fancy ragged things.

Although this song is where the line of title originates (and contains the everlastingly pertinent advice ‘he’ll love you in a swimsuit made of cellophane) it is a racist, vulgar and antifeminist (albeit toungue-in-cheek) song. So bascially, spotify it and save yourself the outrage. I did. I mean, it ends with a blacked-up dwarf being drowned – an indispensable part of every girl’s beauty regime. I’m sure.

However, I find slightly less offensive beauty videos hypnotic. If I can’t sleep, I almost alway go and watch makeup tutorials on youtube.

They are wonderful – so transformative, and with such genuine enjoyment on the part of the ‘gurus’. Whatever you feel about makeup, and the beauty industry generally, there is something theatrical and transformative about these videos.

If all makeup is a form of drag (and if it isn’t, I’m going to stop doing it, because my gender identity is performative, thank you very much) then these people embody the joy it can bring, and adress some of the confusions it brings, too, each in their own way.

So – for sweetness and home-made skin remedies that actually do work, I favour Bubzbeauty:

you can find her here.

Whereas for full-on glamour, I favour the modestly named Gregory Gorgeous.

There are millions of others, and any of them are nicer, more human faces of beauty than the articles found in beauty magazines.

So next time you want to know how to apply false eyelashes, create eyes like an anime character or discover who actually uses those odd numbered makeup brushes from Mac, tune in. But I recommend them especially to insomniacs. Nothing is more soothing than the assurance than someone else cares far, far more than you do about being beautiful.

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