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Your eyes do not deceive you:

I am so tired I can barely see, and simply refuse to believe that there are four more days before I find two seats together on the train, curl into a ball for four hours, and unfold myself in Edinburgh, where I am assured the weather outside really is frightful.

In the interim, I have been doing many, many things.

Sneaky crafts, involving vast amounts of shredded paper, 14ft of silk ribbon, ample cursing and craft glue.

And sweet lord have I been eating.

Primarily, I have been eating a lot of salad.

Now, I despise lettuce, because it tastes like nothing at all.Cabbage, however, is delicious and fantastical and actually tastes of food.

 

This is Chinese cabbage. Mine was not.

 

I dressed it in all the ways possible, from ”Chinese” (5 spice, lime juice, honey, soy sauce, salt, red chilli flakes, garlic, FYI) to ”Italian” (garlic, mixed herbs, balsamic vinegar, olive oil, salt, pepper). Both, I would mix with cucumber and sometimes really sweet tiny tomatoes. And then…QUORN.

I know, I know. Quorn is weird, end-times, clinical food, designed by people without souls.

 

Remain unconvinced. Fine. I admit, freely, that Quorn FAKE HAM is weird, as is all of the true faux meat things. However. Quorn fillets microwave in three minutes. They are high protein, and very low fat, and guess what, fellas – they taste OF NOTHING.

Now, for many people, tastelessness is a terrible thing. For those of us over invested in seasoning, however, it is a blessing. You can make quorn taste like amazing stir fry, or amazing Italian ‘chicken’ if you will, and it takes less time than it takes most people to change outfits, hail a taxi, or cancel a subscription to  FHM.

In short, it is delicious and healthy. It also frees up calorific space, if you will pardon the women’s magazine vocabulary, for things like Jamie Oliver’s Xmas waffles.

 

 

They live here.

I was in fact made these waffles, as if the world was not luxurious enough, by my GF’s cousins. They were the most wonderful hostesses, in a weekend which involved Christmas tree purchasing, prosecco, and mythical quantities of delicious food.

Prior to that, however, I went to the national theatre to see ‘Juno and the Paycock’. I enjoyed it immensely, even more so, perhaps, for only seeing the first half.

It is an incredibly messy, lumpy play, peppered with formal set pieces. The space was perhaps too large – the cast were forced to stride across their ‘meagre flat’ as if it were a ballroom.

The acoustics contorted the accents, somehow slowing down the delivery. However, it was rather wonderful, viciously funny, and absolutely beautiful.

There was then an emergency pudding wrapping summit meeting in the Southbank Centre, a train with 1000 children on it, and all sorts of smug about spending an entire day striding around London in heels.

That, and I have advance news of the best Christmas present ever. As we speak, I am looking out my opera gloves.

So, until next time, I leave you, where we ought all always to be, with the Walrus and the Carpenter:

It is taken from my all time favourite dramatisation of the Alice stories. A truly wonderful TV version, which I still treasure on VHS.

The it visually intriguing, and suitably trippy. This is what it is like inside my head:

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