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New Year and I am ill. Lying in bed a long time makes you think. It also makes you mental, grouchy and prompts people to tell you that you ‘smell ill’.


However. Here, as a distraction, and an homage to what I hope will be my future good health, here are several things I want to do this year.

Hesitant to ‘resolve’, but totally scornful of calling them ‘Revolutions’ of any other self improving smug bullshit.

So. A list. I have a friend who is a goddess for whom everything appears effortless. I imagine as I write this that I am her. And that these things will come to pass.

1. Learn to drive. Because frankly, this is getting beyond a joke, and my chauffeur has not yet found me in London.

2.Learn to like avocado. Baby steps, guys. I can’t promise olives, or even oysters, but surely, avocados?

3. GET MORE OF YOUR FUCKING WRITING PUBLISHED YOU TWAT etc etc. I mean, with less guilt, and more poems. But you get the idea.


4.Exercise. Everyone else does. And they look nice, often.

5.Invest in expensive shoes. Because all my shoes are shit: none fit.

6.Have more fun. Not the sort of fun that involves painting using those funny numbered kits, but the sort of fun that involves taxis, cold streets in high shoes, and not caring so much that everyone around you is a total bore.

7.Get my bloody brace fixed before I go insane and tear my teeth out.

8.Visit more places.

9. Learn to cook more things – specifically, meat. All meat.

10. Enjoy myself. Seriously. Less anxiety, more healing, more trusting and loving my silly tiny body, and for the love of god, have something amusing to tell my children when, over one of those funny painting kits I am forcing them to do, they ask me if I was ever young.

This came up when I googled 'fun'.