Candy-coated popstar Meghan Trainor is most probably your go-to source for marital tips, feminist tips, or indeed any sort of tip whatsoever. But she’d like to be. She’s terribly miffed that you won’t return her calls, in fact. So much so, that she has released a new single.

In her latest video, Meghan gives a set of amorphous instructions to her as-yet-unfound beau, all of which seem to be based on a fantasty 1950s suburban lifestyle. Blowjobs, it suggests, are off limits unless you open doors for her – her hands will probably be full anyway, carrying the bouquets and chocolate boxes you’re forever ferrying home for her whilst telling her she’s beautiful, visiting her family constantly and admiring her range of latex skirts.

Sex is all there is, really – her body (and her future hub’s desire for it) vs all the Things She Wants. Other than a slightly garbled verse about how she can’t cook (during which she is both cooking and scrubbing the floor) it seems that she’s offering the ‘perfect wife experience’.

We can all roll our eyes at this nonsense, we can write it off as twaddle manufactured for record sales, but it left me feeling weird. I feel a bit weird about marriage anyway (my dad recently made a comment about walking me down the aisle and I nearly punched him) but with so many of my good friends marrying at the moment, it is a constant white frilly presence at the back of my mind.

So if I do ever get married – if a partner and I ever desire it -this is probably what I’d say. I’ll be in a latex skirt at all times, mind you, because otherwise Meghan will think I don’t listen to her and I don’t want to offend her more than I already have.

Dear Future Husband [Partner],

I can cook. I adore cooking! I cook well. I will cook when I can.

I hate cleaning but also hate dirty houses. Cleaner negotiable.

Sex is not, and will never be, viewed as a reward, a bargaining chip, or something that can be withheld as punishment. I think too highly of your intelligence, our emotional intelligence, my own libido.

Finances are very weird. Let’s discuss them with a Finance Person.

Torn between a high-ceilinged igloo or a modern house we can heat. You choose.

Adoration of the aesthetics of religion as standard, but I don’t require you to feel the same. Participation not required, and please question me on it robustly.

There is going to be asparagus occasionally, even when we are poor.

If you can poach an egg, I will ensure that I always do a task you hate. Poached eggs are chiefest among all joys.

Bookshelves bookshelves bookshelves.

Gifts (like flowers) I buy myself if I wish, and I buy you if I wish. You do you on this one.

Patience and tolerance for each other, even in extremis.

Chatting the hard chats is a skill. Let’s learn it.

I don’t slam doors and I don’t live with people who do. See also: threatening language, violence, manipulation.

Cats plz. Hound plz.

My tiny shoes may get under your feet.

I promise to do my best, and to love you generously with all my heart for as long as I can.

Can we talk about having non-towelling towels because I’m not quite over that phobia.

ETC.

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